and then what to believe
In searching for the truth
And
the reason for being
In
searching for the answers from without and within
I
have found that the reasons are colliding
Contradicting
Confusing
I
can’t figure out what to believe
And
I’ve been trying for so many years to find out
In
the gods of the north
To
roam
And
flow and be wrapped in animal skins, sweat
To
kiss and breathe and eat and drink
To
understand that love is a family that is safe
To
the pain of those people that are not me
The
ones with the skin and nothing else different to mine but
Experience
more punished and degraded
I’m
sorry for what those before me have done
To
what those around me believe and still do
I
wish your pain away; I take it inside and suffer along
I’ve
tried the Buddha and his homies
I’ve
sought some solace also
In
mafia books about family and red wine and pasta
Where
passion is harsh and true and fatal
And
I had always wished I was Italian and beautiful
I
had always wanted love like that
I
remember sitting with my Nan in church on a Sunday
And
thinking that I was scared of the windows and priest
Knowing
that as a woman I had no power to change their minds,
They’d
already decided I was wrong before I started
But
she was the kindest person I’d ever met
I’ve
held my hands in prayer position at
My
heart space
I’ve
stretched and breathed and opened and meditated
And
then
Seen
the truth
That
the truth of the people sprouting these meaningless words is as greedy
And
hungry
As
the ones with the television shows
I
understand symbols and how I interpret them
But
can’t know what they mean to you
In
words and in images and songs and in colour
In
gods who will kill for the loves of their lives
I’ve
looked to the stars and the science of cells
I
see that the vibrations are true to the end
But
why as a planet are we alone
In
the universe
When
hate and love are both
When
to travel is to know but to see is to be saddened
How
are we this cruel to our own
I’ve
searched through images and images and images
I’ve
looked to the earth for the answers
The
naked beauties and the trees they adorn
Are
still much more peaceful than my mind knows how to be
And
the magic they believe in scares me
And
the vegetarian, vegan, organic meat eater
The
one that I can’t label, what am I?
The
one that has guilt
And
the one that has worries
The
worries seem to be the only constant thing that I know
And
I can look into my lover’s eyes, think that I know him
And
have no idea what he’s thinking later that day
At
my child and my love and desire for his happiness
At
his safety and health and not knowing this pain
One
truth I might know is the fear for his life
And
the competition for housing and funding and beauty
And
the friends and my family who I love but envy
And
the people that look to me for insight
When
confusing and contradiction and colliding is all that I’m sure of
I’m
tired of knowing all that I don’t know
And
so when it comes, the knowledge of nothing
Of
the dresses I’ll never own or look right in
Or
the goddess that can tell the world how proud she is of her everything
That
I judge and envy and wish I was like
Of
the people that know in their heart that they’re right
Of
the worship and pain and violence this causes
Of
living true but not understanding what truth is
Of
searching for truth and searching for truth
I
can’t look at the sun any longer
Without
burning my eyes and my heart and my insides
I
don’t know anything for certain
Because
all that I am
Is
nothing defined.
(c) Samantha Florence, 2015.
